Maryland Life Coaching And Hypnosis

Maryland Life Coaching And Hypnosis

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7 Years Without Tears

Posted on March 21, 2017 at 10:30 AM

So I was brushing my teeth and doing some reflecting. It seems I always go into deep thought while engaged in the mundane task of life. I started thinking about my 20 years as a crisis counselor working in the HIV/AIDS community. I recalled this one specific night.


It was December 1st, World AIDS Days. I was at a walk and remembrance in Annapolis Maryland. At this point I had been working with the disease for a few years. Interestingly enough, I was almost persuaded not to work with this population. It was the late 80’s/ early 90’s and we still did not have a full understanding of the disease. And for that reason, my family pleaded with me not to. They were scared that I would end up contracting the virus.


While at the remembrance I was talking to a volunteer and told her that just a few months ago I was at a funeral for one of my clients. While at this funeral a social worker from the local Health Department said to me “this is a sad day”. Being young and un-phased I replied, “yes, but this is nothing new.” {At that time we were losing about 1 client a week to HIV/AIDS.} The social worker looked at me and said “you haven’t heard”. I asked what she was talking about. She informed me that I had 3 clients all die on the same day and all were being buried today. I literally fell to the ground in disbelief. All I remember this volunteer saying to me was “Oh my God”.


As we started up the street on our silent vigil, my mind was racing. By the time we got to our destination I was completely numb. During the after walk presentation, we were supposed to write a name of someone who passed away on our candle and put it in the middle of the room. Here is where it gets fucked up. At this time I had probably buried 30-50 clients. Would you believe I could not remember a single name? Not one. It gets worse….


After everyone finished placing their candles in the middle of the room, we stood there holding hands in silence. It was at that time I noticed another volunteer looking at me. {I was considered the counselors counselor. I ran support groups to prevent caregiver burnout. They all thought, as well as myself, that I was invincible.} When my eyes locked with hers, every bit of emotion came pouring out. I started crying. She ran over to hug me. It was at that point I realized that I had not cried in 7 years. Now, I could not stop crying. {I’m crying now just writing about it.} We were so busy burying our clients that I forgot to live. I literally was lost in the world of the dead.


In 2011, I was running an upscale addiction center. Leading a support group one morning {again it was December 1st}, the presentation I was giving was about the risk of HIV associated to addicts. Halfway through my talk I lost it again. I quickly recovered and it actually made a lasting impression.


So I’m brushing my teeth tonight and thought, I want to live and feel alive in every moment. At age 51 I know statistically speaking I have another 20-25 years of life left. I want to feel every moment. I want to embrace every sunset. I want every kiss to have meaning. And most of all I want my life to have meant something.


May God Bless you all.

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